The first time I got called the N-word
I remember the first time I got called the N-word. It was on my 25th birthday. My friends had come over to my house to surprise me with home cooked meals for the evening. And we were all just sat around the table digging in.
Side note: We called ourselves the United Nations because we were all from different countries. Denise is from Brazil, Vidya - India, Chichi - Nigeria and of course I am from Botswana. Mahin is from Bangladesh and Elfin and Sarah are from China. But on that night, there were six of us, Denise, Vidya, Chichi, two of my Irish Nigerian friends, Tamara and Doyin and then me.
Before I go into the story, shout out to Mel B and Leona Lweis for sharing their stories and inspiring me to share mine. You can read on Mel B's experience here https://www.dailystar.co.uk/showbiz/mel-b-opens-up-being-22152087. Many thanks to others who have been sharing too.
Back to the story
Ok so we are tucking into our food around the dinner table when three or so kids start banging on our windows. The curtains were open so we could see outside and they could see the inside of the house. Thinking they are only children, we ignored them and continued to eat. However, their banging was so incessant that we eventually had to intervene. So we stepped outside and asked them to stop. We were very careful not to be aggressive because after all they were children. The oldest couldn't have been over 10 and the youngest was definitely under 3. We went back to eating, but the banging continued. So we asked them to stop, this time a bit firmer but bearing in mind that they were children.
1. Being called the N-word
As soon as we retreated into the house, one of the kids shouted the N-word. And then they all ran away. Incensed, we walked briskly after them since they were kids that lived in our neighbourhood and we definitely knew where they lived. I guess one of them told their parents truthfully what had just happened and the mom and her friend approached us on our way. She was so apologetic. She told us that one of the kids told her that her son had called us the N-Word. Obviously tensions were quite high because this was our first time being called the N-Word. And the nature of how everything happened was also disturbing. However, the conversation seemed to be going well because we all agreed that what the child did was wrong.
But things did take a bit of a turn when my friend emphasised that the mum talk to her kid about his behaviour. Suddenly the conversation turned into 'don't you dare tell me how to parent my own child'. Knowing what I know now about being defensive, I reckon the mum was super sensitive around the parenting topic because it might have been an area of insecurity. Her kids, who were all under 10 were allowed to roam around the neighbourhood at all hours of the night without wearing jumpers. So it's not hyperbolic to assume that she had been mommy shamed a bit. When tensions continued to escalate, we just simply had to walk away. But walking away from a situation doesn't mean it's resolved. And for the rest of my birthday, all I could think about was what had just happened.
2. What I think about the incident
This is a tricky one for me because those annoying children are just that - children. It's hard to process when it's children involved. Because they don't have the emotional intelligence to understand the scars that that leaves on others. For me, the kids were only mimicking behaviour and language that had been modelled to them. Which leads me to my main point. You know that saying 'it takes a village to raise a child' - I believe it 100%. Maybe the kids didn't learn that from their parents but from their neighbours, older siblings, society or the culture around them. As innocent as I believe those kids are, they are going to grow into men and women. So I often wonder what kind of men and women they will become.
So it was rather disappointing that the mum didn't want to have a conversation about having a conversation with her kid about race. She said she would discipline him. But disciplining a child without explaining to them what they did wrong is counterproductive. It might even lead to them resenting black people and people of colour even more if the discipline is super harsh.
3. How this has affected me
Emotionally it's a bit weird because that was the first time I got called the N-word. I had never been called the N-word in all the 25 years of my life (at that time). And a year and a bit later, no one has called me that again. I have always been surrounded by people who affirm and celebrate me and my skin colour - white, brown and black. So I guess I look at it as an anomaly than a norm for my life. Please remember that everyone's experience is different. That was the only overt interpersonal racism I have ever experienced in my life. The rest of what I have experienced has been super subtle.
Ireland and racism
I have to say though, I have become more conscious of race ever since coming to Ireland. When sharing her story, Leona Lewis talks about how being in places with larger groups of black people seems to make racism more apparent. And that might be the case here too. Limerick, Ireland is surprisingly the most diverse place I have ever lived in. In all the other places that I was only 1 out 5 other black people, no one made me feel weird. In fact, they all seemed drawn to me because I was 'different'. And then the environment I lived in in Botswana, being predominantly black, never really had cases of this kind of racism. There was a different manifestation of it called colourism. You can read about it in my thesis found here https://www.lorraine-moalosi.com/my-msc-thesis-on-colourism-in-the-beauty-industry/
Listen to Leona Lewis' story below. Thanks Leona for sharing.
The first time I got called the N-word will unfortunately stick with me because of the timing. It was on my birthday and so I will always remember this experience on my birthday. I haven't fully processed this because how could I really. I was in my own house, minding my own business when children came to my house to abuse me. Which I can overlook but their mum's lack of interest in engaging with us on how to educate the kids on race is problematic. She didn't even force them to come and apologise.
4. What I learnt about myself and racism
This will sound weird but I feel unsafe when I walk past or near a group of Irish teenagers or children. There is something inherently threatening to me about groups (I was bullied as a child and I find that bullies travel in 'packs'). So add in that experience of being called the N-word by a group that should be the least harmful. The paranoia and fear is heightened in my mind. I specify Irish because I have never really experienced this unease with any other nationality - and I have lived in 5 countries.
Austria was the place where I went in prepared to experience racism because of what I had read in the papers about the political environment there. My uncle is the one who had the talk with me. And was against me going there because he feared I wouldn't be accepted. Also knowing that I was still battling depression at the time, he really just didn't want me to go there. When I was there however, not only did I experience 0 racism, I experienced the most interest and respectful curiosity. So coming to Ireland I never really expected anything of this kind.
5. Racism is everywhere
So my conclusion, racism is everywhere. And that is because of our history (colonialism, imperialism, religion etc). Just because I am not experiencing it or a lot of it does not mean others are not experiencing it. And just because you have never witnessed it (if you are white) does not mean it does not exist. Just because you have a black friend, husband or whoever else, and you 'love black people' does not mean you haven't picked up racist ideology. Secondly, you can't ever be prepared for it. In my case it was from children - so unexpected. And the children came to my house to express the racism. So it can't ever be fully avoided. Think colonialism. Africans were busy minding their own business when Europeans turned up.
Thirdly, there aren't countries that are free from racism. Why? Because even though racism can be systemic and systematic, it is ultimately upheld by individuals. And there are a lot of racist individuals all over the world. Finally, conversations are important. Conversations where people listen, understand, employ compassion and empathy. We all want to feel safe, realise our dreams and be accepted for who we are, not just tolerated. So we are all in this together. Everyone versus racists.
6. Feature of the week
Make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heart to understanding
Proverbs 2: 2
Comments
Post a Comment