Discovering the one key to true happiness
Discovering the one key to true happiness has been a three year long process for me. I did not set out on a mission of "discovering the one key to true happiness". I just thought I was broken and damaged and wanted to fix myself. That's because I was trapped in a vicious cycle of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. My impulse is still, to this day, to go back to the familiar dysfunction of my past. But now I have the tools to resist doing that. Along the way of trying to fix myself, I discovered this one key to true happiness. Before I tell you what it is, I will tell you how I discovered it.
I genuinely wanted to be happy
Some of us are genuinely used to being sad. And that sadness has become our companion. We are sad people who experience happy moments. Our modus operandi is one of a victim. We feel like happiness is fleeting and we are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Although I wouldn't say that I grew accustomed to being sad, I would say however, that I did subconsciously operate from a place of sadness. I didn't think I deserved happiness and kindness so I would constantly gravitate towards sadness and everything unkind. But enough was enough. So I decided to talk to someone. To share the burden in a safe space.
Seeing a therapist
My journey with going to therapy started from UL - the university I attended for my MSc. I was seeing a counsellor there. He then recommended that I see a specialist at a different organisation. Because of that referral I was able to get in quick. I went in thinking I had a specific problem that needed to be solved. But by the end of it, I realised that that was not a problem at all. However, I did have another one that I had no clue about. And because of it, I just could not hang on to happiness. Shout out to my former therapist for being amazing with me and helping me see myself for the amazing human being that I am. (Not even a humble brag - just bragging).
I also did two sessions of CBT with the NHS and counselling with AUB, the other university I went to. They also contributed to my fabulous journey.
Meeting people that made me feel awful
A classic CBT way of functioning is knowing that, no one can make you do anything. You can't control what people do but you can control how you respond. So even though I say people made me feel awful I am well aware that, I chose to respond that way. That said however, there are people out there whose life purpose sometimes seems like it's to frustrate you. But the most important thing that I learnt about this is that, everyone is on their own journey too. So one, not a lot of people set out to hurt you. They are just as broken as you are and don't know any better. Two, we attract who we are. So if you find yourself constantly being in the same situation just with different people, know that you are the common denominator. This doesn't mean that you are a problem though.
It means that deep down inside, there is a disconnect that keeps connecting you to people with the same disconnect.
Me
So what is the one key to true happiness?
The one key to true happiness is self-love. For me there is no debate. I am living proof of how powerful this simple yet daunting concept is. I learnt this from my therapist. When we first began our sessions, I had walked into her office with the biggest fake confidence in the world. I said to her, 'I don't have issues with confidence, I love myself'. And by the second session she said to me, 'you lied'. And then I said, 'excuse me what?'. She repeated herself and I obviously disagreed with her. It took me about three weeks to actually start seeing what she was talking about. And when I did I sobbed. Everything began to make sense. I won't go into the details of all the stupid decisions I made when seeking validation and love outside of myself. But trust me, I made a lot of them.
And so the beautiful journey began. Thankfully for me, I had a spiritual awakening at the exact time of this discovery. And so my tough walk wasn't by myself, it was with Jesus. An interesting thing that I have noticed is that when people go through strong traumatic experiences, they begin to see more of God. Remember I wrote about Brene Brown? If not, you can find that here - https://www.lorraine-moalosi.com/a-day-in-my-social-distancing-life/. Now people may disagree on who this God is but deep meaningful health and happiness cannot be attained without God in the mix.
Learning to love myself
Discovering the one key to true happiness, which is self-love, is one thing. Actually committing to the process of making that your modus operandi is another. I do know that hearing, 'you need to love yourself' is super ambiguous and seems almost impossible to do. But if I can do it, you can to. Important things to know about self-love are:
Self-love is a journey of a life time
Most of our baggage comes from our childhood. Learn more here: https://www.youtube.com/user/schooloflifechannel. However, the longer we delay dealing with our issues the more confirmation bias we experience. And sometimes we don't even see things through the right perspective until years after. This has been my experience. For example, my dad has never been in the picture. Abandonment for me was tantamount to 'men can never love you Lorraine, even your own dad left you'. So confirmation bias and a little bit of self-fulfilling prophecy was my life in general. I chose unavailable men to recreate my childhood. More on this concept here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgUlowmSeHo
It's a humbling situation, but much about who we are as adults can be traced back to things that happened to us before our 12th birthday. Part of learning to be an adulthood [sic] means making sense of the events of our childhood. We need to spot how our past might be trying to interfere with our chances in the present.
The School of Life
Side note, I don't necessarily agree with every perspective that this channel has. But it is still a great resource.
Self-love is not a feeling but a decision
Although eventually you will begin to feel the feelings of self-love, it starts off as a decision. A decision to do right by yourself. Even if you had a seemingly perfect childhood, just the mere fact that your parents are human beings means they messed you up somehow. Refer to the video above if you disagree. Then think about it seriously and introspect. That's why I think it is important for every living human being to go to therapy at least once. Our brains protect us from pain. So sometimes it hides past pain and other intense feelings that are too hard to deal with. But just because you are not dealing with the pain does not mean it's not there. In fact, it is worse to hide pain because it influences your life choices without you noticing it.
3 compelling reasons why you should be using this one key to true happiness
- So you can live your life to the fullest. Most of us are caught up in living other people's lives and being inauthentic. Life is way too short for you to be a photocopy. Be an original. In a world where homogeny is pushed upon us - think everyone wanting to look like the Kardashians, embrace yourself. Give yourself agency - be you.
- So you can live your life with the best people in it. Like attracts like according to the law of attraction. If you hate yourself, chances of you meeting another self-hating human being are higher. And so dysfunction might be your lot.
- For you to actually contribute to the betterment of humanity. There's so much division in this world. But people who truly love themselves give grace to others. They allow others to be imperfect. In fact they love others for their imperfections. A person who loves themselves wants to give back to humanity, not take and take.
What self-love isn't
To conclude, I want you to adjust your expectations. Self-love is NOT:
- Perfection - it's realising that you are perfectly imperfect. And that your imperfections make you the beautiful human that you are.
- Being better than others - it's giving others the grace to be imperfect. It's also knowing that this struggle to love ourselves is what we have in common.
- Having a perfect life - just because you love yourself does not mean less problems. It means a new perspective on the problems.
- Self-sufficiency - no man is an island for a good reason. We all need one another to have the best life. Thinking that you love yourself and therefore don't need people is folly. People who love themselves know that they need people in their lives. But they only pick quality people.
Feature of the week
Thank you so much for reading Discovering the one key to true happiness. I hope you learnt a thing or two. And I encourage you to get on this journey of self-love. Create your own happiness. Start with self-love. Until next time, have a great week.
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