Crumble oh wall - a poem by Lorraine Moalosi

Crumble oh wall - a poem by Lorraine Moalosi (me) is an especially emotional piece for me for many reasons. Firstly, everything I wrote in this is straight from my heart. In fact, I cried as I wrote it. Secondly, I wrote it in five minutes. That's because I was actually praying when the words, 'my self-preservation has become a prison' came to me. So I grabbed my laptop and wrote the pain down. Needless to say, I ugly cried. I find that when something is raw and authentic it comes very quickly. Thirdly, because I wrote it in five minutes, it might not be the best, but that doesn't matter because I am committed to being vulnerable and speaking to others through my pain. And finally, this is my truth. Without further ado here is: Crumble oh wall - a poem by Lorraine Moalosi.

Crumble oh wall

When the darkness descended upon me I learnt to navigate it

Yet a little while, and all feelings will be gone

A wall made of steel and concrete my fortress for survival

Yet here I sit, alone in my room and scared for the future

Scared of the present

Scared that my self-preservation has become a prison that entraps me

In my bid to protect myself from the pain and fear of the unknown

I erected a wall to protect me from it all

And it did protect me from it all

From it all, it protected me

From experiencing the fullness of joy

My heart that once beat with careless abandon for the future that I could forge

Now scared of the blowing of a mild south eastly wind

The wave of the sea approaching me causes my poor heart to retreat to its walls

Now here I sit

Alone in my room

With the realisation that

My self-preservation has become a wall that entraps me

Keeping me away from experiencing the fulness of life

Songs and dreams were all I had

Now in their stead lies fear

Fear that the wall didn’t keep out

But kept locked in

My lover, my friend, my companion who refuses to let me go

 I must have Stockholm syndrome because you have become my comfort

And when you are not here I seek you out

As if you are my life line

In my bid to preserve myself I have cut off my life supply

But now I realise that the pain I tried so hard to keep away

Is what makes joy that much sweeter

So crumble oh wall

I am not your prisoner anymore

I am free

As free as a bird singing in the sky

Now watch me mount my own wings like an eagle

And soar on high

What are you protecting yourself from?

My hope is that from reading this, you would come to the realisation that we are all somehow trying to protect ourselves from one thing or another. And at first, it seems like a good thing. Because we get to hide a little bit and get some reprise from our fears. But left for too long, our self-preservation may imprison us. For example, we stop doing the things we love out of fear of rejection. Or for instance, we overcompensate and try to prove ourselves and end up living for others. So we become fraudsters. Constantly feeling like imposters... because we would be...imposters.

So again, I ask you. So you can ask yourself. What are you protecting yourself from?

Thank you

Thank you so much for making it to the end of Crumble oh wall - a poem by Lorraine Moalosi. So if you would like to support me in my journey towards authentic living please subscribe to my channel at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCu4Wj9F6SLaMekPflXkg5ag. And please read all my other blog posts such as https://www.lorraine-moalosi.com/i-quit-social-media-for-good/ and https://www.lorraine-moalosi.com/real-life-stories-on-going-natural-blackgirlmagic/