Storytime: becoming a christian again!
I really procrastinated and questioned myself lots about doing this. This subject is one that is very dear to me and so I am very protective over it. But alas here I am, going there. Word of caution, this contains sensitive information that might be upsetting so only proceed if you are sure. (I don't think it's actually that bad but it might be if you get easily upset). In this post I will be sharing a little bit about becoming a Christian again. It's only a summary as the story itself is quite long (25 years long lol). So here goes STORYTIME: BECOMING A CHRISTIAN AGAIN. I wrote this post whilst listening to the song So will I (100 billion X) by Hillsong Worship which I believe summarises where I am with Christ. If you don't know it. Find it below.
So without much further ado, here goes a storytime: becoming a Christian again.
1. HOW IT ALL BEGAN - I HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN
A nervous breakdown isn't actually a diagnosable mental illness. It is a term that describes a period of intense mental distress. During this period, you’re unable to function in your everyday life. To find out more about this you can check out Healthline here: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/nervous-breakdown (I got that explanation from their site).
So I had found myself not being able to cope with anything. Therefore all I did was study, get tired and fall asleep.... rinse and repeat. I used to spend all my time in uni and at the library to avoid dealing with my emotions. which I had buried since I was 14. My g.p.a when I graduate will be 3.88/4.0. I basically got all A's on every single module while in university. Although this is great, it came about because of avoidance and using that as a crutch not to deal with my emotions. I didn't eat much at all and lost about 6 kilos/ 13lbs/ half a stone.
The saving grace, however, at this time I was that I was faithfully going to therapy. But one fateful Tuesday, my therapist went away on holiday and I felt like I was dying. That's how much pain I was in. I was at the immigration office that morning when I remembered that just across the street, was a church I had visited the previous Sunday. The pain I was in was so excruciating that I felt no shame in walking into a church and requesting to speak to ANYone.
That person ended up being a Pastor called Pawel who has been an awesome part of my journey. In a nutshell, I spoke and cried for the longest time and he encouraged me. Then he gave me lots of sound advice. I stuck to that advice like it was my lifeline because I had gotten to a point where I was tired of making decisions for myself.
It felt like every decision I ever made, no matter how different they were from each other, were always bad. So it felt good to take someone else's word for once. That was the beginning of my journey at Abundant Life church. P.S I know I haven't gone into details about what caused the nervous breakdown but that's a whole topic by itself. Which I will hopefully get into at some point in the future.
2. GERMANY - LEARNING THAT GOD SPEAKS
One of the things that Pawel advised me about was to keep coming to church so I can make meaningful connections. So I kept on going to church. But when I was not in church, I was praying, crying, singing and reading the bible none stop. At this point I had finished classes for the summer and done most of my data collection for my masters thesis. An opportunity that came from making connections in church was a chance to go to Germany with Students for Christ Limerick. This was such a miraculous experience because the visa process was kind of crazy but God made everything fall into place.
Germany was very important because this is where I learnt that God speaks. Not token speaking but the Holy Spirit whispering things to me. Words that I could never know by my own knowledge or thinking. For example, I was praying for one of the girls there and word for word for word, the Holy Spirit told me what to say. In the back of my mind I was like God I hope this girl does not think that I am making things up. And then at the end of the prayer the girl was like, how did you know that Lorraine? That's exactly what I am going through. I was #shook.
3. NORTHERN IRELAND -AGAIN LEARNING THAT GOD SPEAKS
Again God was just telling me that He speaks. He is alive. He is not an ornament nor a tyrannical God who lords His power over us and manipulates us into doing things. I was learning that God doesn't just exist, He lives. But this time He was re-affirming things in Northern Ireland. Btw, you don't need to travel to encounter God I just happen to love travelling. So God has been creating opportunities for me.
When I went to Northern Ireland, I had gotten panicky again. So I wasn't hearing from God in the exact way I was in Germany. Where I kept hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit telling me things. This time, God was speaking to me through random people who would walk up to me and speak about the things in my heart. I did not know these people and they didn't know me either. They just came over, told me what they needed to tell me and then went back to their lives. It was really sinking in that God was telling me that He is not imaginary or weak. He is real! God is real!
4. BEGINNING TO SEE MYSELF
Have you ever realised that sometimes we live the lives that we live to the point of ignorance and oblivion? God really helped me confront many truths about myself. I have a list here which is not conducive but is a start. God helped me confront:
- my privilege and entitlement - I have so much more than another twenty-five year old born perhaps in Syria or Sudan. Yet my entitlement prevented me from seeing this. I lacked gratitude so everything in my life seemed bleak and insufficient.
- the victim mentality that I had - no doubt I have been through a lot but somewhere in the world someone else has experienced worse. Not that it invalidates my experience but it helped me put things into perspective. I am not a victim because I am a black African woman who has been the least protected by society. Nor am I a victim for being a sexual assault survivor. Definitely not a victim for having struggled with depression and anxiety. I am not a victim at all.
- who I am - all my life I focused so much on who I am not that I forgot who I am. One of the most profound words that the Holy Spirit helped me utter were, "I am a woman". For some reason, I had never thought of myself as a woman. I chose not to identify with that because we are a society that is moving away from gender and I can understand why. But for me this liberated me so much because it is a part of who I am. And I am very proud to be a woman.
- who I am not - I had it in my head that I was as close to perfection as one could ever get. Lol! I know that sounds so wrong but I have since realised that I am selfish, envious sometimes, bratty and spoilt. But I had to embrace my weaknesses knowing that:
Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
5. BUT HAVEN'T YOU ALWAYS BEEN A CHRISTIAN?
I have always believed in the existence of a God. But I struggled with exploring that. Because I was afraid and I didn't want to seem like a crazy person. I accepted Christ as my Lord and personal saviour when I was fifteen. But I think my partnership with God the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit is different this time. Scripture tells us that:
If you love Me, you will keep My commandments
John 14:15
I never EVER loved God enough to really listen to Him. But now because God has proven to me that the bible is right, and that He is who He says He is, I love Him. So I follow His commandments gladly. For the next blog post I will focus on these last two points. I will focus on, one, how God proved to me that the bible is true. And lastly what following His commandments means. In conclusion, I went back to being a follower of Jesus Christ, which is what Christian means, because God loves me. Throughout this journey, it is His love that keeps me sane, hopeful and happy to be alive (for the first time ever!)
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