I almost relapsed and I didn't even see it coming

It's so scary to admit this out loud, but, I almost relapsed and I didn't even see it coming. Mental health is such a scary and fragile thing, firstly, because it's so easy to slip but way harder to fight.

It's so easy slip but way harder to fight

Lorraine

By now you all know my history. If you don't you can read up on it here https://www.lorraine-moalosi.com/storytime-becoming-a-christian-again/ Or you can watch my video on YouTube here

https://youtu.be/YHLapJ-Zyiw

In a nutshell, I struggled with depression for about five years. Around April/May ( a month or so into lockdown), I began to feel like my old self again. However, one thing that I have never spoken about, and I will not speak about until I am ready, is that I am grieving at the moment. Almost a year ago now, I lost a loved one and things haven't been the same really. I didn't realise that I was spiralling out of control, until I got some good news that gave me a bit of hope about life. So when I say I almost relapsed and I didn't even see it coming, I mean it.

So what is a mental health relapse?

"'Relapse' is a word that is used in many different ways in a variety of contexts. It is defined in the Macquarie Dictionary as "to fall or slip back into a former state, practice, etc". In the Australian Concise Oxford Dictionary, it is defined as "deterioration in a patient's condition after a partial recovery"." (( https://www1.health.gov.au/internet/publications/publishing.nsf/Content/mental-pubs-p-mono-toc~mental-pubs-p-mono-rel~mental-pubs-p-mono-rel-def)). So essentially, a mental health relapse is a deterioration in a person's mental health after a partial recovery. And in my case specifically, I had only been depression free for about 2 to 3 months after a five year battle.

"Depression is a highly recurrent disorder with significant personal and public health consequences" (( https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2169519/)).

Here's a summary about relapsing

This summary is from the article, Risk for recurrence in depression by Burcusa and Iacono. They use the term recurrence instead of relapse.

Major depressive disorder is one of the most common forms of psychopathology, one that will affect approximately one in six men and one in four women in their lifetimes (Kessler et al., 1994). It is also usually highly recurrent, with at least 50% of those who recover from a first episode of depression having one or more additional episodes in their lifetime, and approximately 80% of those with a history of two episodes having another recurrence (American Psychiatric Association, 2000; Kupfer, Frank, & Wamhoff, 1996; Post, 1992). Once a first episode has occurred, recurrent episodes will usually begin within five years of the initial episode (Belsher & Costello, 1988; Lewinsohn, Clarke, Seeley, & Rohde, 1994), and, on average, individuals with a history of depression will have five (Kessler & Walters, 1998) to nine (Kessler, Zhao, Blazer, & Swartz, 1997) separate depressive episodes in their lifetime.

Some of the sources stated above may be a bit outdated. You can read more here: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2169519/

What signs and symptoms did I have?

This seems simple and straight forward now. And now that the fog has been lifted, it seems rather clear what the signs were. But in the moment, it wasn't so clear. Here are a few symptoms that I had:

1. I suddenly liked being in the dark. I spent months obsessing over a white and bright room. But suddenly, I wished I had a pitch black room. The sunlight irritated me and I wished I had black out windows.
2. I was just SO sad. I think I cried myself to sleep at least four days out of the seven days in a week over a few weeks. And even when I was smiling I was sad. I had been crying all night long in the photo below.
3. Massive increase in appetite. My appetite is always a good indicator of how I am mentally. If I am eating too much, I am sad. If I am eating too little, I am anxious. During lock down, I put on about 3/3.5 kgs. Ironically, a lot of people were 'praising' my new body. But what they didn't know was that that was a cry for help more than anything. This convinces me more and more that, honestly, the whole body positivity movement is a lie. It's not about wholesome health, it's about pushing a narrative. (more on that another time).
4. I constantly needed distractions. From Korean dramas to hanging out with friends all the time, I didn't lack any distractions. I would sleep at all hours of the night with my mind in a 'zombie like' state of disconnect to avoid dealing with reality.
5. Loss of interest in my hobbies. You guys know I love blogging, vlogging, singing and any kind of creativity. Yet I wanted none of that anymore. I had zero desire, motivation and drive. I was just a shell that existed in the moment.
6. Intense feelings of guilt. I constantly felt like I wasn't a good friend, daughter or human being.
7. I felt like a victim. It felt like life was out to get me.
8. Life scared me. Because life had proven to be so unpredictable, I was scared of hope, comfort and dreams. I was scared that life would come back to bite me in the b-hind once again so I opted to zone out and have zero expectation.
9. I wished that death would just come so we can get it over and done with.

These are all the things I can remember with my own limited perspective. But I am sure that to a trained psychologist, there would have been many other signs that they could have spotted. Especially because grief is a potential trigger for a relapse or recurrence, just off the bat. I failed to recognise or even acknowledge that. I am never one to be in denial but I have to be honest. This time I was. I was in denial about how sad I was. And still am.

And even when I was smiling I was sad

I almost relapsed and I didn't even see it coming

Even just writing that is scary. I almost relapsed and I didn't even see it coming. Let that sink in. Read it slowly. The hardest knocks in life are the ones we never see coming. Don't you think? Think back on your own history. What's something you didn't see coming? Didn't that just knock the wind out of you and leave you gasping for air? For some kind of respite to ease the pain. Maybe it was a break up? A divorce? Perhaps the loss of a loved one? A betrayal?

Whatever it is/was, the fact that you didn't see it coming not only affects the now, but your relationship with the future. Could you ever fall in love with great abandon after being cheated on unexpectedly. Can you ever look forward to the future with hope after losing someone unexpectedly. You eventually learn to live with that fact but you are never ok really.

Some uncomfortable truths that I am learning

I have always been self-aware. Even my therapist said that to me a few times. So the fact that I almost relapsed and didn't even see it coming is a bit worrisome. Firstly because I have never been in denial about anything in my life. Stubborn yes but never denial. Which means that this is something I have picked up along the way between last year September (when I last had therapy) and now. Secondly, I realise that I have to be vigilant. I thought depression was something I could get over and just talk about as something of the past. I believe that is true. However, I should never have allowed my optimism and faith minimise the severity of a depressive episode.

Thirdly, stoicism is not an indicator of mental strength or health. I am an intensely emotional person. I lay everything on the table without shame because no matter how ugly it is, it is my truth. But something I have learnt is that emotions make people uncomfortable. Even open minded people. Even people who have had their own emotional battle like me. I think I am comfortable with emotions but I have sometimes judged people internally for displaying their emotions. But just because someone shows zero emotion does not mean they are strong. So this new denial thing that I have going on is not it. I am learning to be comfortable with my emotions and expressing them.

Finally, we all have our own battles in life. They don't define us but they do shape us. So denying your battle is denying yourself an opportunity to be refined, shaped, tried and tested. So embrace that battle. Pick your armour, the right armour and fight. Because your life depends on you winning that battle.

What armour have I been using to fight this battle?

Even though I look back and say I almost relapsed and I didn't even see it coming, I think subconsciously, I did know that something wasn't quite right. I remember pushing myself not to give in to 'the disconnect' (what I call depression). Here are a few things that I did.

1. I made an effort to practice a bit of self-care and pampering

Photo by Daniel IKO

I actually even called my mum and sister to tell them I was beautiful and wanted other people to see my beauty too. Hence my calling them (lol). Conceited? No!! Appreciating myself and that nothing about me is a mistake.

2. I met up with old friends

Unfortunately, losing friends because of mental health struggles is not something that's unheard of. And if I am being honest, I don't think there's ever really one person to blame over the other. Well not in my situation anyway. So it felt good to rekindle old friendships.

3. I discovered new hobbies

With losing interest in my old hobbies, I couldn't just sit and allow myself to disconnect even more. So I discovered new hobbies. It turns out I like to bake and cook for other people. So I did a little bit of that. I made this raspberry and coconut loaf cake with a recipe from taste.com.au. You can find the recipe here: https://www.taste.com.au/recipes/raspberry-coconut-loaf/f9d31da0-1ed8-4835-a689-28d6d9a171b0.

Feeding others feeds my soul

4. I became a plant mum

After a night of crying, I met up with my friend Arny. And he just offered to buy me a plant. I was so touched and super excited. So I got this lovely baby - Arny the Aloe.

5. I began to appreciate the little things in life

I have been taking lots of photos around my city because my eyes were suddenly opened to the beauty around me. The beauty I had been taking for granted. The cafe above is just around the corner from my church. It suddenly struck me how creative, rustic and cute this little place is. That pierced my heart because I was reminded that I was surrounded by great creativity and beauty around me. But I failed to recognise it by focusing on the ugliness that is inherent to life. Instead of the beauty that IS life.

Why I call depression 'the disconnect'

I call depression the disconnect because it feels like you are disconnected from everything. For example, you can see beauty. Touch it. Smell it, taste it and hear it. But you can't really experience it. It's like your soul and your body are not one. So one experiences something while the other experiences another. Therefore, this disconnect is multi-faceted. For instance, it can be between you and yourself (your body and soul as mentioned above). Additionally, this disconnect can be between you and your environment. So having a sensory perception of things but not being able to fully engage and experience them.

All the 'armour' I used above, was like a life jacket. It kept me floating but it didn't mean I was out of the woods. But sometimes all you need to do is hang on.

My finishing thoughts on 'I almost relapsed and didn't even see it coming'

I am blessed beyond measure. Firstly, I am blessed to be alive. Secondly, I am blessed with great privileges that make life that much more exciting. Thirdly, I am not a victim. I am a victor who refuses to tap out. And finally, life is unpredictable but that's even more reason to celebrate each moment. Live for each moment. Make plans but don't hold off for too long because tomorrow is not guaranteed, let alone next summer. Or next year. Or next time.

P.S

Thank you so much for making it to the end of I almost relapsed and didn't even see it coming. It means more than you will ever know. This post just flowed out of me. So I wrote it in one setting in about an hour or so. Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable with you. If you have actually made it to the end, please leave a comment below. Use #madeit. Thank you once again.

P.P.S

The thoughts contained in this post are personal and subjective. I do not claim to represent a universal picture of what mental health struggles are like. Some terms here such as 'relapse' may not be acceptable to others. But I found it fitting for my own personal account. Thank you once again for reading I almost relapsed and didn't even see it coming. Have a fantastic week. Ciao!